Hand in Hand
by CassetteTapes
Summary: May and Coulson (Philinda) one-shots. All ideas are mine but the show and characters are not. No smut, rated T for violence only.
1. Take my Hand

**Philinda pairing, when Daisy attacks the base in 3x17 May chases after Coulson**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Agents of Shield or make any profit off this**

They were sitting in the kitchen having a drink when the rumbling started. At first it was just small shaking that caused the two of them to exchange confused glances. But soon enough pans were falling off the walls and glass was shattering around them and they were struggling to keep their footing. They both knew who it was and what had happened, "I have to go after her!" Coulson yelled over the crashing.

"No! Phil she won't listen!" May yelled back, trying to stumble over towards him.

"I have to try!" With that he had dashed out of the kitchen into the hallway.

"No!" She screamed, fear and anger bubbling up into her heart she threw caution to the wind and rushed out after him. The hallway was collapsing around her but she kept running, past the lab where Fitz and Simmons were yelling and the lounge where the floor was splintering in two. Through the dust and falling debris she could see Phil banging on the hanger door and screaming for Daisy.

"Phil! Phil!" She grabbed his arm, trying desperately to drag him away from the door but it was useless. When she managed to make him face her she could see the tears on his face.

"May, you have to go." He said, trying to push her back towards the shelter of the lab but she held tight to his arm.

"I'm not leaving without you! Phil, you have to leave her!" Tears of her own were starting to sting at the corners of her eyes.

"Melinda _please."_

"No." Her voice cracked and tears started to fall, in that moment a deafening crash sounded above her and part of the ceiling broke off. She lunged at Phil at the same time he threw his arms around her, both trying to shield the other from the blocks of cement falling from above. The last thing either of them heard before blacking out was the other screaming for them.

When Mac succeeded in digging them out of the rubble he found May sprawled on top of Coulson and his arms covering her head and neck. Both were still unconscious but neither seemed to be severally injured, maybe a few broken bones but that was it. The two of them were escorted to the lab where Fitz and Simmons were able to identify that Coulson had broken his wrist and May had some bad bruises in her lower back but nothing that time wouldn't heal.

Coulson was the first to wake and the first thing he remembered was May, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tried to drag him away from the hanger door. Fear shot through his body and his eyes began to scan the room for her, almost instantly they fell upon the bed beside him, her pale form lying limp a few feet away from him. A breath of relief left his lungs as he watched her chest rise and fall evenly.

"Sir, you're awake!" His attention was drawn to Simmons who had just entered the lab with a tablet in hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine Simmons, but I have to get up." He started to move but the young scientist stopped him in his tracks.

"Oh no, no, no. You've broken your wrist I don't think that's such a good idea."

"I feel fine, I have to assess the damage."

"Fine, but at least wait until Agent May wakes up, she'll likely be in pain but won't want to take her medication."

He couldn't believe he hadn't thought that May would be hurt, somehow he just assumed she'd be fine once she woke, "Wait…what happened to her?"

"We found her trying to shield you I think, she appears to have some internal bruising on her lower back, luckily it missed her spine but not by much."

"She'll be okay right?"

"With some rest, yes."

"I'll stay here until she wakes up but then I'm getting up."

"Yes Sir." Simmons nodded and then rushed out to find Fitz.

Coulson's attention refocused on May, there was a few minor cuts and bruises on her cheeks and hands but other then that she appeared fine. If anything had happened to her it would've been his fault, _this_ was his fault. He should've listened to her and gone back to the lab, he should have made her go back without him. Why would she risk her safety like that?! Why would she disobey him?! _What if it had been the other way around?_ Asked a voice in his head and he knew he would've never left her even if she'd yelled at him to save himself or go. She hadn't left him for the same reason he wouldn't have left her. They were more then just partners, they were friends, maybe even more then…his thoughts were interrupted by a hoarse voice to his left.

"Phil…" She whispered roughly, her eyes just beginning to open.

"Melinda…" Without thinking about it he reached his hand over to hers, even though the slightest movements hurt his injured wrist. Her face relaxed and her fingers whispered over his, so light that it didn't hurt. "Are you okay?"

She opened her eyes to fully look at him, "Yeah…you?"

"Better now." He smiled and she couldn't help but smile back.

"Please don't ever do that again." She murmured.

"I could say the same for you."

She looked at him almost sadly, "I couldn't just leave you there, just like you couldn't leave Daisy."

"You could've been seriously hurt."

" _You_ could've died, and I'm not just about to loose my boss, partner, and best friend all at once."

He was stunned, May was rarely one to show any emotion at all and now it just came tumbling out. "I'm so sorry May." He intertwined his fingers with hers even if it hurt.

She smiled wearily at him before nodding, "Now, lets go kick some Hive ass."

He laughed, "There's the Melinda May I know."

They both shared a smile before Simmons walked in and Coulson started to gives orders with May's frequent comments, but all the while their hands remained entwined. They may not usually admit it but they needed each other a lot more then they showed.

 **A/N this is my first Agents of Shield fanfiction so a review would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Whiskey for Two

**Philinda pairing, May and Coulson stay up one night drinking and talking.**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own agents of shield or make any profit off this**

Phil Coulson was sitting in his office trying to go over paperwork. However, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to concentrate on the words before him. Everything was blurry and muddled but the more times he went over it the more confused he became. He knew he had to get this paperwork done but there was a pounding in his temples and an aching in his body. But he knew it would be pointless to try and sleep, rest had managed to evade him for weeks now and he highly doubted tonight would be any different. What he _needed_ was a distraction. So when the knock on his door sounded he could've sworn she'd read his mind.

He knew who it was before she entered, May had been stopping by ever since Rosalind's death and he hadn't protested. When she walked through the door he was immediately aware of how utterly exhausted she looked. There were dark circles under her eyes and a slump in her shoulders that she usually managed to straighten. But it was the way the moonlight ghosted across her eyes that struck worry in his heart. He stood from his desk as she walked over towards him, "May." He said softly.

"Any progress?" She asked, gesturing to the mound of paperwork on his desk.

"No." He shook his head, rounding the desk to come and stand beside her, "How are you doing?"

She shrugged, trying to shake off his concern but it only increased his uneasy feeling that something was amiss, "Fine, you?"

"Fine." He answered.

She nodded and hopped up onto his desk, letting out a small-frustrated sigh at the same time. He was about to question her again when he spotted the bottle of whisky sitting on his drawers behind her. Part of him knew that it wasn't a good idea, there was a lot going on and the last thing he needed to do was get a hangover but the other part of him said to screw it and have a drink. He acted on the latter option. Without saying much he took two glasses and poured them both a glass of whisky, when he handed May hers she merely raised an eyebrow before taking a sip.

"Where did you get this?" She questioned after taking another drink.

"London I think, a few years ago when I had some time off."

"You have good taste." She said, swirling the liquid around in her glass.

He smiled, "Did you just _compliment_ me?"

She laughed softly, rolling her eyes and shaking her head, "Don't get used to it."

They shared a small smile before Coulson turned and sat on the couch, bringing the bottle of whiskey with him. May followed shortly after she finished her whiskey, sitting down a few inches away from him and pouring herself another glass. They continued to sit in a peaceful silence for a few more minutes before Coulson spoke, "How's your head doing?" It'd only been a few days since Daisy had hit May full force with her powers and she was still recovering.

"Not great to be honest but I'll be fine."

He nodded, "I know you will be but if there's anything wrong you'll let me know?"

"Of course."

The silence that followed was comfortable, both left to their own thoughts but the presence of the other comforting in a way. Unfortunately May's mind started to wonder to darker places, namely…Lash. She'd been given a break from her usual Bahrain nightmares but in their place came nightmares of her ex-husband. Her mind drifted back to a more recent dream.

 _She was running, her heart pounding in her ears and her head hammering. All around her screams echoed from the black hallways that led to nowhere but she kept running. Explosions chased her like hungry beasts, nipping at her heels and almost close enough to devour her whole. Next came the gunshots…but there were no bullets. Just gunshots, above her, behind her, in front of her, surrounding her like a deafening stereo. Another explosion blew up inches behind her it sent her flying across the floor, lungs inhaling dust and smoke._

 _As she scrambled to collect her bearings she saw a horrific shadow emerging from the flame and ashes, towering above her as she tried to shrink away. The beast grabbed her by the front of the shirt and forced her to stand, she tried to fight but as she did everything felt numbed…like she couldn't remember how. A burst of static blue burst from the monster's hand illuminating it's face and what she saw made her want to scream. Her husband…Andrew was staring down at her with a malicious smile upon his face. She tried to speak but his hand, still glowing with light thrust towards her chest and her voice caught in her throat._

 _Pain…like nothing she'd ever felt before surged through her body and distantly she felt her strength ebbing away. She lost feeling in her fingers, hands, arms, it was creeping towards her heart like a plague. She tried to keep her eyes open but they kept drifting closed, she heard someone screaming her name but she couldn't hold on._

She broke away from the memory a gust of air rushing into her lungs as she inhaled sharply. A hand on her chest she breathed heavily until remembering her surroundings, head jerking to one side she found Phil staring at her with a mixture of shock, worry, and horror. His expression only caused her more pain and she had to close her eyes, trying to block out everything except the racing beat of her heart. She was alive, she was alive, she was alive, she was…a steady hand was rubbing her back…Phil.

He had seen her drift away, her eyes glazing over and her expression going limp but he figured it was just exhaustion. However, he quickly realized it was not because her hand began to tighten around her glass and her teeth bit her lip so tightly blood surfaced. He had tried to bring her back to the real world but she was too far off, no amount of shaking her or calling her name would summon her back. Suddenly the cup in her hand splintered, and she heaved forward air surging into her lungs.

He didn't know what scared him more, the fact that she'd been so immersed with her thoughts that he couldn't break her free, that she'd just shattered the glass with one hand, or that it appeared she hadn't been breathing the whole time. When her head turned to look at him he got a glimpse of the pure fear in her dark brown eyes. But instantly she looked away, supporting her head in her hands one of which was bleeding from the fractured glass. Her back shook from uneven breaths that she forced into her lungs.

Phil knew all too well that when Melinda was having emotions it was best not to engage for everyone's safety. But he couldn't bear to see like this, shaking and so close to tears…he had never been able to make himself immune to her heartbreak, for when her heart broke his shattered like the cup in her hand. Gently he put a hand on her back, rubbing out the harsh breaths as she calmed.

She wanted to resist, she wanted to push him away…he couldn't see her weakness. But he had seen so many times before, hiding it now would do nothing…and what if she didn't want to hide it from him anymore? What if she didn't want him to stop drawing circles on her back? What if she just wanted to lean into him and have him hold her?

She didn't realize she'd acted on thoughts until his arms wrapped around her, holding her close. Panic was her first instinct but she pushed that thought away, she wanted to stay here…just like this. Her shaking breaths slowly evened out and she relaxed. A few more minutes of silence until Phil spoke softly, "Are you okay?"

Taking another deep breath she pulled away from him but didn't move from the couch, "Yeah. I'm sorry I just…" She shook her head and looked away.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, it was just a nightmare I had." She sighed.

"Bahrain?" He asked hesitantly.

"Andrew." She replied sadly.

"Oh May I'm so sorry." He took her hand gently, looking down at the tiny cuts on her palm that she had yet to notice.

She followed his gaze and gasped, "Did I?" Her eyes darted to floor where the broken glass lay.

"It's okay…you didn't know what you were doing. I couldn't snap you out of it, almost like you were in a trance." His voice was full of worry as were his eyes.

"I don't know what came over me, I guess the lack of sleep finally caught up to me."

"It's really that bad?"

She nodded silently, unsure of the exact reasons she was telling Coulson all this but she figured it could be because he was here, holding her hand and looking at her like she was the only thing that mattered. Usually that kind of attention would make her skittish and want to withdraw but now it only made her feel…safe. And before she knew what was happening she was spilling out her heart to him, her dream, her doubts, everything just came tumbling out. The whole time he remained silently rubbing her hand and at the end he held her as the tears trickled down her cheeks.

Who knew it would feel good to cry? She hadn't cried in…wow…she couldn't even remember the last time she cried. Now, years of pent up emotions came tumbling down her cheeks and she sobbed until every last drop of energy had been shed. Her eyes felt heavy but for once her burdens felt lighter, she wearily attempted to pull away from his embrace but he held her tightly, "Just stay, I don't mind."

"Phil…" Her voice was raspy as she tried to protest but she couldn't find the energy or will to argue with him and once more fell limp in his arms.

"I'm going to fix up your hand, okay?" He murmured.

"Okay…" She agreed.

He gently pulled away from her and she managed to get into a slumped sitting position. Watching him move around the room through veiled eyes she found herself appreciating just how much he had done for her and smiled tiredly. The sinking in the couch beside her indicated that he'd sat back down and a warm hand gently taking ahold of hers confirmed it. She was too tired to feel the soft sting of the glass being removed from her palm and the hydrogen peroxide being dabbed on the wounds. Vaguely she knew he was wrapping her hand in bandage and putting away the supplies but the only thing she was sure of was when he sat back down and pulled her towards him.

"Just rest." He whispered as she sank into his arms, and with the last few seconds before sleep engulfed her all together her uninjured hand intertwined with his. A breath left her and she fell into the first undisturbed sleep she'd experienced in years. And the whole night Phil sat there, holding her hand and watching her sleep until at last…when he was assured that she was okay he fell asleep too.

So when Skye came up to Coulson's office to inquire where'd he'd been all morning he found the Director of Shield and Agent May asleep in each other's arms. Hands limply held together and both looking more at peace then Skye could ever remember seeing either of them. And so she retreated back downstairs, smiling.

 **A/N I hope you enjoyed! This kind of came to me in the middle of the night so I didn't really know where it was going either, please rate and review thanks!**


	3. Just a Push

**Philinda pairing, after 1x17 Coulson realizes May is more beat up then she's letting on.**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Agents of . or may any profit off this**

May had probably just experienced the worst day in a long while, and that was saying something. Coulson had found out about her private line with Fury, who, was apparently dead, she'd been shot by an icer in the forehead, fought Hydra in handcuffs, and then been knocked out again by being slammed into a wall. Not to mention that every time Coulson spoke to her he sounded like a general speaking to a servant, devoid of emotion and caring less.

Now, she was standing in the BUS a few feet away from Coulson trying to hold it together, trying to fight the black bugs that are eating away her vision but she couldn't. Everything hurt, that wasn't a new feeling of course, but this time it was different. Not only was she physically in pain but also her heart is aching in a way she hadn't felt in years.

The way Phil had looked down at her from the top of the stairs, a gun pointed at her head, looking at her like he didn't know who she was anymore. He would never forgive her and she didn't blame him, she should've never kept him in the dark like that. And no matter how hard she might try to convince him that she'd done it for his sake, because she cared about him…a little too much even…he wouldn't believe her. She didn't dare look at him, she wouldn't be able to handle the way he would look right past her, as if she wasn't even there.

Everything was going a bit blurry now, the BUS became a jumble of colors, the few people that walked by her she couldn't quite identify. She was sure it was a mix of both the tears rising in her eyes and the dizziness pounding in her skull. Distantly it registered that she had to get back to the cockpit or her bunk but when she tried to take a step she swayed. She heard someone trying to talk to her but just then, everything went dark.

He was enraged. How could she?! After all they'd been through and she kept it from him! She knew how much this meant to him, knew he had been searching for answers, _knew_ that he had trusted her and yet she had betrayed him. When he'd found out his heart had given a painful lurch that'd he had tried so desperately to ignore. He should've known better, she was May, she was reserved, quiet, observant. He should've known.

But then there was the part of his mind that kept repeating her words _I care for you Coulson…very much._ And it was driving him insane. Was it possible that she'd really done all that because she was trying to protect him? No…if she was really his friend she would've told him. But what if she didn't want to risk it? Didn't want to risk him going insane? If their positions had been reversed would he have told her?

His gaze fell upon May, only a few feet away and at the same time he could tell she was millions of miles off. Her eyes were glazed over, lips turned down in a soft frown, and shoulders hunched slightly. If he hadn't know better he would've thought she was…upset. Before the thought could process her demeanor changed, she looked in pain for a moment before every sign of emotion disappeared from her face and she started to slump forwards.

"Agent May are you-" He starts, but it was too late…she was already falling.

"May!" All trace of icy cold indifference left his voice as he raced towards her, catching her falling form before she can hit the ground. "May...hey! May!" No response.

Her eyes are closed, her cheeks are unnaturally pale, but she's breathing. He stands there, staring down at her for a moment, conflicted as to what he's supposed to do. Part of him is still fuming at her and wants to just drop her and leave her there, or take her to Fitzsimmons. But another part of him wants to pick her up, take her back to her own bunk and leave her to herself. However, what he ends up doing is scooping her up bridal style and taking her back to his office. _To keep her in sight in case she tries to escape_ he tells himself, but he knows there's another reason.

Once entering he sets her down on the couch across from his desk and shuts the door behind him. By then some color has returned to her face but she's still passed out. Sitting at his desk he looked at the woman lying still on his couch with a mixture of admiration and sadness. Fury had sent her here to watch over him, make sure he was safe and that's exactly what she'd done. Through every twist and turn she'd been there for him, since they had gone to the academy together, every mission she'd been there at his side. And after Bahrain when she'd left the field that didn't stop her from watching over him at headquarters, always one step ahead of him. So when he dragged her out of the cubicle it had been no different, she had been there with him hand in hand just like always.

It wasn't like Fury had told her to watch his back any of the other times…but she'd done it anyway. Who was he to assumed this was any different? Sure, she'd known about T.A.H.I.T.I and not told him and that would not be easily forgiven but the fact that'd she'd been watching over him…well that wasn't anything he couldn't relate to. In the few months after her divorce with Andrew she'd nearly lost herself, blank eyes, robot voice, and to anyone who didn't look hard enough…almost heartless. And so he'd watched her, from a distance of course but he kept a close eye on her, she'd never known and he would never tell her but how was this any different? How could he blame her?

He looked over at her once more and sighed, the pain he had seen on her face when he'd yelled at her was not something one could fake. She had looked…broken. Putting his head in his hands he inhaled deeply… _I care for you Coulson…very much._ He cared for her too, and he knew that she would never intentionally hurt him, damn she was hard to stay angry at. Especially when she was laying there, looking so utterly exhausted and lost. He was so lost in thought that he didn't realize her expression change until she shifted and she murmured something under her breath. "May?" But he quickly realized she was still asleep.

He went over to her side but wasn't exactly sure how to react, startling her would make her go defensive but doing nothing would cause them both more pain. As if to prove his point she reached out blindly, her fingers closing around thin air as a tear rolled down her cheek. "May…" He whispered, taking her hand in his. "May wake up, you're okay."

A soft sob left her as her fingers clenched around his hand, "Phil…I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry."

He shook his head, her eyes were still closed and her words were still jumbled so he knew she was still sound asleep. A small sting went through his heart as he realized she was dreaming…about him, and she was crying, "May…May…it's okay, I'm not mad at you, just wake up." He insisted quietly.

"I'm so sorry…" She sobbed and he kneeled down beside her, squeezing her hand in a desperate attempt to wake her, "I'm so so sorry, should've never lied, can't trust me, I'm so sorry."

"Melinda." He took her hand in both his, "Melinda, I forgive you…please wake up."

Another tear rolled down her cheek and then another and another before she inhaled sharply and her eyes shot open. They were wide and slightly bloodshot but they instantly locked on his own. "Phil I…"

"Melinda…" He was still holding her hand tightly and when silence fell between them as they stared into one another's eyes solemnly. There were still tears shining in her deep brown orbs and his blue ones searched hers for anything…everything. Neither of them could move nor speak as if put under some sort of enchantment. After what seemed like hours Coulson let go of her hand and she sat up on the couch, avoiding his gaze by looking at her hands.

Silently, he sat down beside her, "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay." She snapped but then steadied herself and took a breath, "What happened?"

"You passed out, you looked pretty bad so I brought you here…to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine, I'm sorry to have bothered you." She stood quickly but he shot up after her.

"No! May…listen, I can't just forgive you for not telling me about your knowledge of Tahiti but I'm not mad I just…" He trailed off but then nodded and started again, "I was just hurt that you didn't tell me, I felt like you betrayed me but you didn't."

"Yes I did." She said softly.

"No, you were following Fury's orders, I would've done the same thing if he had asked me to watch over you."

"I didn't just agree because he ordered me to, Phil…you're my friend and I was worried about you. After the attack you seemed fine but you'd died…I was scared, more scared then I've ever been and I couldn't bear the thought of loosing you again. That's why I followed Fury's orders, no matter how foolish that may sound to you. And I know you can't forgive me for spying on you and I'm so sorry I only wanted…"

"Melinda…" She looked up, "I forgive you."

"Wh…what?"

"I'm not mad at you. For the secrets about Tahiti, well I think that we will have to work on but for keeping an eye on me, of course not. Just no more secrets okay?"

He saw the relief flood into her eyes and her chest let out a gust of air. "Okay." She promised, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. And before she knew what was happening Coulson had embraced her tightly, it only lasted a few seconds but it sent a warm and happy feeling to her chest.

"Want some tea?" He asked.

"Sure." She couldn't resist the smile that broke over her features this time.

 **A/N awe I know fluff, but through all my recent heartbreak I had to write some happiness for my favorite couple. Let me know what you think and prompts are always welcome!**


	4. Your Ghost

**Philinda pairing, when May is infected with the ghost in 4x1-4x4 I think we should've have more of a reaction from Coulson when he found out she died.**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Agents of Shield or make any profit off this**

He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed something was amiss, now that Simmons mentioned he could see exactly what'd happened. When May had come to help him the other night she must've been infected by that _thing_ they were calling a ghost. She had been acting off all day, extra jumpy and practically clinging to him. When he entered the locker room and found her rummaging through the lockers frantically he didn't know what he had expected but it wasn't this. It hurt to see her like this, out of her mind and barely clinging to her sanity.

Slowly he walked up behind her, "May?" He asked softly but she didn't turn to look at him she just kept searching. "May…" He put a hand on her shoulder.

Her eyes darted up to him and she grasped his hand, "Phil, Phil, thank goodness you're okay. We have to get out…" She insisted.

"No, May listen…" He started but she interrupted.

"You don't understand! Phil they're coming for us!"

"Okay…how about this, we go to the lab and get some blood samples from everyone so we can see who's infected, will that be okay?"

She looked at him a long moment before nodding, still clutching his hand between two of her own. He led her down the hallway, trying to keep her eyes from darting to other Agents passing by but it was useless, she was getting skittish. When Mack walked past them she nearly screamed as she jumped backwards into Coulson's arms. He steadied her, calming her nerves as he continued to lead her towards the lab but just then Mace rounded the corner. Then she lost it.

She let out a scream of fright and ran at the director, roundhouse kicking him in the head. Coulson winced and gave a hopefully threatening look to Mace before wrapping his arms around May's middle and dragging her kicking and screaming away from the director. "May! May! Hey! Melinda!" She slumped into his arms, panting and unusually weak.

"Phil…" She murmured, eyes dropping and before either of them could utter another word she fell completely limp against him. Holding up the unconscious agent Phil explained the situation to Mace while carrying May to the lab. Thankfully Fitz and Simmons were aware of the problem and already ready with a bed for May. He lay her down with the utmost care and then turned to Simmons.

"She'll be taken to treatment shortly." The young scientist assured him.

Coulson nodded and turned to Mace, "I have to go with her to treatment."

"I'm sorry Coulson but that's a no, we need you for a mission."

"No! I'm not leaving her alone for this."

"Coulson. I admire your protection for both Daisy and May but in the end I call the shots and I'm saying no."

Phil, outraged, nodded but said nothing as he returned to May's bedside and gave her hand a gentle squeeze before turning back and heading out to prepare for the mission. But all the while he couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

 _Hours Later_

She felt a needle go into the side of her neck and she knew it was those monsters that had taken control of her teammates but she had no time to fight before everything went dark. It was pulling her down, like she was sinking in the ocean…the light slowly but surely disappearing. She tried to breathe but her heart wouldn't beat, she was dying.

Surprisingly she wasn't scared, it wasn't cold in death it wasn't as bad as everyone had made it seem. It was like the few minutes in the early morning when she was waking up, the pleasantly safe feeling she felt before remembering who she was. She waited for the feeling to fade and the cold memories to sit in but it didn't. Instead, she heard a voice…oddly familiar and yet so distant.

"Melinda…"

"Who's there?" She started to walk towards the voice.

"Melinda…"

"Phil?" She whispered, her pace speeding up.

"Melinda."

She turned to see Phil Coulson smiling at her, in his usual suit and tie but the way he was looking at her made her cheeks flush. He was looking at her the way he had when he had spun her around the dance floor on that undercover mission. Like she was, dare she say it…special. She took another step towards him, "Phil…why are you here?"

"I'm here because you called me." He told her.

"Was this what it was like when you died?" She asked softly.

"No…I don't remember what happened when I died, but I would like to hear what you saw."

"But…I'm dead, Phil I'm dead." She said.

"I know…but I'm not. I know you want to let go Melinda but I need you."

She shook her head, "You don't."

"I _do."_ He took her hand and instantly a jolt went through her, memories forced to the surface. _He was smiling at her, eyes twinkling as he held out his hand "May I have this dance? They were sitting across from one another sipping their beverages as they laughed and chatted. He dabbed the alcohol onto her wound with the utmost care and then continued to stich it up, all the while keeping her distracted by talking. He wrapped his arms around her, shielding her as the building exploded around them. He called her name when the gunfire started and took out all fifteen men when she took a bullet to the side. He looked into her eyes and said, "I can't loose you Melinda."_

Another shock radiated through her body and she shot up, panting and a hand over her hammering heart. Agent Simmons cried out and wrapped her arms around the other agent and May was too flustered to resist. Simmons started exclaiming things and rushing about but May was still breathing hard and trying to regain memory of what'd happened to her.

 _One day later_

Phil practically burst down the door of the directors office, "How could you?!"

"Coulson?"

"You could've killed her! Hell you _did_ kill her!"

"Phil…she's fine there's no reason to loose your head."

"Oh no director there is! If the power had gone out a minute earlier she would be gone! One of your best agents _dead!_ That was not your call to make!"

"I understand how much Agent May means to you Coulson but you can't pretend like you wouldn't have done the same thing. She would've died for certain if we hadn't gone to those measures. And, by the way, it was my call to make you seem to keep forgetting that I am the director."

Fuming Coulson turned on his heels and stormed out of the office, he didn't know where he was going until he ended up out in the garage by Lola. He put both hands on the car and hunched forwards, trying to regain his composure. He had seen May when he'd picked her up from Radcliffe's last night and she had looked like death. Dark circles under her bloodshot eyes, pale cheeks, and shaking hands that she tried to hide from his view. She'd been so out of it that when he'd nearly killed her again with a hug she hadn't pulled away, it fact she had hugged him back. In that moment the only thing he could think was _if she was gone he would never be able to hold her again, never be able to hear her heart racing in her chest and feel her warm breath on his face._

"Phil?"

He spun to see May standing behind him, a worried expression on her face. She wasn't wearing her usual leather vest and boots, instead she donned a simpler look. A pair of black leggings, a grey sweater, and grey flats, with her hair done up in a rather untidy ponytail. She looked beautiful despite the soft worry lines and tired expression, but then again she always looked beautiful. Shaking these thoughts he cleared his throat, "Are you okay?"

She shrugged, "You? I heard that you yelled at Mace."

"I'm fine, but I could just _kill_ that man." He growled.

"Coulson…" She took a few steps towards him, "Is everything okay?"

"No!" He burst out but she didn't flinch, "No, everything is not okay, he almost killed you. May you almost died…I mean for good."

She shook her head, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, but maybe you should. Get some fresh air and clear your head, it usually helps me…if punching someone doesn't."

He managed a small smile at that and nodded, "Maybe you're right but I can't leave right now. Not with everything going on and plus I should stay here with you. I know you're fine but in case anything happens I just want to make sure that…"

"Phil." She interrupted, "They'll be fine without you for a few hours and if you're so worried about me I'll come with you. I won't talk, I'll leave you to your thoughts."

He wanted to explain that she was his thoughts but knew that would only unsure more chaos so he nodded, "Fine. But only a few hours nothing is safe right now and you should be resting I don't want to…"

"Would you shut up and get in the car?" She shoved him gently towards the car and smiled lightly, "Plus, last time we flew in this thing you had a mustache."

"Oh don't start, it was a trend." He laughed, opening the door and getting in.

"Oh sure it was." She rolled her eyes and got in beside him.

"Shouldn't we at least tell them where we're going?" He asked.

"You!" She turned and pointed at a technician that was a few yards off, "Tell the director that Agent Coulson and I will be out for a few hours." When the man nodded she turned back to Coulson, "Problem solved, lets go."

He sighed and shook his head but despite his efforts was smiling, "As you wish." Switching on the car he drove off the ramp of the grounded plane and up onto the main road. The moment they left the base he left a weight lift off his chest. May, as always had been right…he just needed some air.

As they merged onto the highway he glanced over at May and found her looking at him with a strange expression on her face. When their eyes met she glanced out the window and he could've sworn she blushed. But that was crazy, it was probably just the color returning to her pale face, which, would be good for both of them. "So, where do you want to go?" He asked after a while.

Looking over at him again she shrugged, "It's up to you."

"Okay then. I'll surprise you."

"I don't like surprises." She pointed out.

"You'll like this one." He promised.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes and reached over to turn on the radio but he stopped her.

"Oh no I don't think so. Last time I let you choose the station you chose Céline Dion and the whole crew was in tears."

She grinned at him in a way that he hadn't seen in a long time, "Mission accomplished then."

"You!" He mock gasped and shoved her shoulder gently.

She just kept grinning, "They had it coming, the whole week we listened to Justin Beaver and _Disney!"_

"Bieber." He corrected, "But I see your point. Still, I'm not letting you choose."

"Fine." She grumbled.

Reaching over he switched on the car stereo and switched it over to the 70's and 80's station. They both instantly recognized the song that was playing. Money, Money, Money by ABBA, Coulson joined in enthusiastically on the Money, Money, Money bits as May shook her head, smiling. "You seriously only know that part don't you?"

"Perhaps."

"Wow, I expected more from you…not knowing the words to ABBA." She gave him a fleeting scolding look before biting her lip to prevent another grin, but it broke free anyways.

He laughed, her smile brighter then the summer sun overhead. A few more songs went by before and Coulson continued grooving and May just looked on in amusement. After taking the exit and making a few turns he pulled into a parking space and climbed out, as did May. "So…where are we?"

"You'll see." He responded as they crossed the street.

He opened the door for her and they entered a small teashop. A smell that was oddly familiar filled his nose, yet he couldn't seem to remember where he'd smelled it before. Looking over to May he found her scanning the menu with a small smile playing on her lips. Following her gaze he started to read as well, there was a wide selection of tea from all over the world and some pastries. He decided on simple black tea and a cinnamon bun and she went for authentic Japanese green tea and a lemon cookie.

Taking a booth by the window they sat across from one another, "Are you feeling better now?" She asked.

"Much." He nodded, "You? How are you holding up?"

"To be honest I feel so much better then I did stuck up in quarantine, Simmons cleared me but it was still so suffocating in the base. Everyone is too uptight and that's coming from me."

"Well I'm glad to hear it and I have to agree, but I can't blame them. Everything has been so hectic lately and no one has been given a break from any of it."

"I know." She sighed, "But any more time there and literally would've taken someone out just for asking me a question. I think dying pulled the last nerve."

He nodded, understanding, "About that, how was it…dying? I don't remember anything from my death because of Tahiti but you must."

She was about to make an excuse not to answer that question when the waitress showed up and handed them their tea and pastries. Lucky for her the sight of a cinnamon bun seemed to distract him from the whole dying thing. As he tore off a piece of the sticky bun she nibbled on her cookie, decent for not being homemade she thought. Not to mention a welcome break from plane food and premade dinner at the headquarters. They sat in silence for a while, sipping tea and eating pastries and when May downed her last drop of tea and looked back at Coulson she found him looking at her the way he had when she'd died. That look in his eyes that made her want to look away and blush like a foolish schoolgirl. "What?" She asked.

He had been thinking about her smile in the car, the way her whole face seemed to light up when she did. She was looking out the teashop's window at present, cup of tea in her hands and eyes taking in the moving city outside. It was going to be sunset soon and the sinking sun cast a glow over the buildings and illuminated her peaceful face. For once her features were relaxed and a long strand of dark brown hair had come loose from her ponytail and dangled between her eyes. That's when it hit him…the smell in the teashop, _jasmine_ it smelled like jasmine. And it smelled familiar because her hair smelled like jasmine, he had noticed that before but never really thought about it.

When her voice broke into his thoughts he realized he was staring, "Oh, sorry, just thinking."

She smiled softly, "Ready to go?"

"Sure." He agreed, getting up from the seat and waiting for her. They walked back to the car and climbed in, it was rush hour when they turned onto the main street and so after exchanging knowing glances he turned off onto a back road and pressed the flight control. The car lifted off the ground and he caught May looking over the edge in what appeared to be complete awe.

He didn't comment as she turned back to him with a grin, "Impressive." She gestured to the many buttons on the dashboard.

"Couldn't do this when I had a mustache could it?" He teased.

She rolled her eyes and laughed, "No, no it could not."

"Well, back to the base then." He frowned.

"Sadly enough yeah."

"Thanks by the way. For convincing me to do this."

"I could tell you needed it, plus I got tea." She commented as they started flying back to the base.

"That reminds me, when you died?"

She sighed and considered avoiding again but something made her decide to tell him. Maybe it was the tea warming her insides, the fact they were literally flying into the sunset, or the way he'd been looking at her all day but she just _wanted_ to tell him. "I saw you actually." She said, looking over at the city that they soared above.

"Me?" He sputtered, unsure he'd heard right.

"Yeah…" She confirmed, "You."

He struggled to keep his eyes ahead of him instead of looking over at her, "Well I have to admit that wasn't the answer I expected."

"Don't let it go to your head." She warned.

He laughed quietly and they continued driving…erm… _flying_ in silence. When they landed at the base most everyone was either in the lounge or working late and didn't take much notice to the returning Agents. Coulson walked with May back to her room and when he turned to go she grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks. "Can I show you something?" She asked softly.

"Of course." He nodded, following her inside and sitting down on the couch after she did. She had a small box in her hands and when she opened it he was shocked. It was a small necklace, a silver chain with an M pendant. When they were in the academy he had given it to her for her Birthday and she'd worn it everyday. After Bahrain though it had just disappeared, he'd figured she'd either lost it or it'd broken but here it was.

"You kept it?"

"Of course I kept it, I just wanted to tell you that…even if I don't show it you mean a lot to me Phil…"

"You mean a lot to me too Melinda and I couldn't possibly bear to loose you, I hope you know that."

"I know…" She murmured, "Now you know how I felt when you almost died."

He couldn't help it, he grasped her hand in his own and to his surprise she squeezed his hand tightly. Giving him a tired smile they both knew that there would be a lot of talking to be done the next day but in that moment she didn't care. She lay her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath. Moments later sleep consumed both agents and for the first time in a long while both felt completely safe and at ease.

 **A/N okay, more midnight…no wait it's 2am writing for you guys. Hope it was okay and not too fluffy.**


	5. Always You

**Philinda pairing, after Rosalind's death May goes up to check on Coulson**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Agents of Shield or make any profit off this**

They heard the crashing and yelling from Coulson's office and exchanged sad looks. "Maybe someone should go check on him." Mack suggested.

"He'll be fine, he just needs time." Yo-Yo told him.

"No Mack is right, I'll go check up on him." Daisy said.

"No." May shook her head, "He'll put up a façade for you, I'll go see if he's alright."

They nodded and May went up the stairs to Coulson's office, not bothering to knock on the door, "Coulson?" She asked softly.

There was no response other then more stomping and banging, he was still in a rampage…destroying everything in his path. She had never seen him like this, it reminded her far too much of herself. Entering the office didn't help he just kept storming around, knocking over chairs and swiping papers to the floor. Marching towards him she stood directly in his path, "Coulson." She said firmly.

He didn't even seem to realize her presence there he just went around her, kicking the desk on his way. "Hey!" She followed him, grabbing his arm, "Snap out of it, this isn't like you."

He took hold of her shoulders, gripping them tightly, "Why are you here?" He hissed.

Confusion formed on her face as she studied the man before her carefully, "The team is worried about you, I came to see if you were alright."

"You have to go."

"Phil?" She asked, voice on the verge of concern.

"Don't." His grip tightened on her shoulders, bunching the leather vest she wore.

"Phil, hey…I know you're going through some stuff right now but you're worrying me, I know it hurts now but you can't do this." She said, gesturing to the mess he'd made.

"It could've been you." He whispered.

"What?" Hysteria was starting in replace concern.

"Rosalind…she…she…I didn't love her, no…I mean I liked her she was beautiful and smart and funny but she wasn't you. And she died and and it reminded me why I couldn't have you, because I couldn't loose you. I wanted to tell you, so many times I wanted to tell you but then with Andrew and Daisy and everything else I couldn't. But then but then she died and I knew I could never tell you because I couldn't loose you too and I had to protect you but then you're here and now…and now you're looking at me like I'm crazy. But Melinda you have to go, you have to go." He rambled, words spilling out in no particular order and hardly comprehendible to anyone but himself.

She shook her head, confused and worried, she didn't know what he was saying something about loosing her and needing her? She wasn't sure. Searching his eyes for something to make sense of what he was saying she found the deepest longing and pain in his blue eyes. At first she thought those were his emotions for Rosalind but then it hit her…he was looking at her… _her._ A small gasp involuntarily left her and then hand that was on his upper arm tightened in surprise, "Phil…you can't be talking about…I mean I know that's crazy for me to think but…you're not? You don't have feelings for…no…" She shook her head, "You can't…you can't want _me?"_ There was caution and doubt written all over her face but her eyes were unmistakably screaming _but I'm unlovable._

"I don't want you." A look of both sadness and shame flitted over her face before she looked down, "I need you."

Her gaze darted back up again, "Phil."

"I care about you so much and I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to be the cause of any of your pain whether it be physical or emotional. And I don't want to ruin what we have…our friendship, the late nights talking, sharing drinks, undercover missions together. I don't want to loose you and I'm afraid I will, and I couldn't go on without you. Rosalind…her death it reminded me of what could happen to you and I just…I just lost it. You are the most important person in my life and I can't ever loose you."

Tears brimmed in her eyes and she searched for words but they all stuck in her throat so she pulled him to her, embracing him tightly. She couldn't help it, as soon as she felt his arms encircle her waist she let out a soft sob. She didn't know how to cope with what he'd just told her or how she felt about him…well maybe she did and just wasn't ready to admit it…but what she did know was that she wanted to hug him like this for a lot longer then one should want to hug someone. But of course her logic kicked in after a few more seconds and forced her to let go, but not without immense struggle.

Once again she searched for something to say to the man who stood before her but once again came up with nothing. Her mouth opened and then closed again softly shaking her head. All she could do was take his hand in hers and squeeze it tightly, "You won't loose me…at least not if I can help it." She whispered.

"I'll give you space if you need to think or…"

"No." She cut in, "I mean…I need to think yes but I don't want to pull away from you. Plus, tonight is drink night."

He smiled, "You make a fair point, let the team know I'm okay and then come later for a whiskey?"

"I think Bourbon and lime would be better for the occasion."

"Bourbon it is."

She smiled, "And Phil?"

He turned back to look at her, "Yes?"

"Clean up."

He laughed and she smiled, exiting the office.

 **A/N I know omg fluff, I have a thing for fluff lately. Rate and review please!**


	6. So Cold

**Philinda pairing, what if a winter storm hit when May was trying to leave?**

 **Rated K+**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Agents of Shield or make any profit off this**

She had packed her bag, cleaned her room, and placed the note on his pillow. Now she stood at the end of the base and looked back one last time before stepping out into the snow. She was doing the right thing…Coulson had made it clear that she wasn't wanted so why stick around? Plus, she didn't think she could survive another day with his accusing gaze burning holes in her heart. Her leaving was best for them all.

Taking a breath she trudged out into the winter day, it should only take her about an hour to get out of this forest and back to the main road. However, after twenty minutes or so she realized that something was wrong. The softly drifting snow was now rushing around her, obscuring her vision, and the cold breeze had turned into an icy wind, biting at her cheeks and nose. A storm was coming and she was stuck in the middle of it. Turning back was pointless now she knew that but she would have to find some sort of shelter until this passed.

Stumbling through the icy coated snow and tried to see where she was going and what was ahead of her but it was useless. Eventually her foot caught something and she crashed down into the snow, her head hitting a small rock and knocking her out.

Coulson's plane had been forced to land in the snow a half-mile from the base because flying too close in the storm would ensue havoc. He knew May would lecture him for leaving the plane out in the snow but he wouldn't mind, he deserved lecturing. He'd been thinking and had come to the conclusion that he'd been too harsh with May, and yelling at her to leave was something he regretted. The first thing to do once he got back to the secret base was apologize to her, she didn't deserve any more of his wrath.

Climbing out of the plane he started to walk back towards the secret base, which he could see somewhat through the storm when he spotted something a few yards off. He couldn't quite make out what…or who was lying in the snow but he figured it was best to find out, he couldn't just leave someone out to die, enemy or not. Rushing towards the figure he knelt down beside the unconscious person and cautiously pulled them to face him. Upon seeing the unmistakable face of Melinda May he nearly cried out in horror.

"Oh God, May…May…" He ripped off his gloves to hold her face and found it ice cold minus the warm blood on the side of her forehead.

"Come on, you're going to be okay." He whispered, scooping her up in his arms and practically running back to the base, which proved to be a hard task considering the fact they were both in snowsuits and she was unconscious. He burst into the base and was completely unfazed by the fact no one else was in sight, the only thought on his mind was the woman in his arms. Shoving the door to his rooms open with his foot he tripped over to the bed, laying her on the plush blankets. Then he worked with shaking hands on unzipping her coat and snowsuit, too many layers would prevent her from warming up. Next he took off boots, to find that luckily her socks were still dry her gloves and the knitted mittens beneath them were a different story. Somehow she'd managed to get them soaking wet, and her hands were freezing to the touch, pale as the snow he'd found her in.

Finally she was free of her wet clothing, left with a grey sweater, black leggings and her knitted beret that was barely clinging to her damp and slightly curly hair. Now he wrapped her seemingly tiny form in all the blankets he could find. With the relief of her being okay setting in he started to take in his surroundings, the room was a mess and he was shivering. So he removed his winter clothes as well, being able to function better without eight layers of coats and scarves. Then he folded her winter things and set them aside, at least she wouldn't yell at him for not folding her things therefor making them wrinkle.

Sturdy breaths pounded through his lungs as he calmed, she was going to be okay. He also took it upon himself to clear the blood off her face and clean her small wound. Now, if you didn't know any better one would think she as merely sleeping. He wished that was the case, that she was at peace instead of shivering and unconscious. Sighing he looked down and something caught his eye that he had missed before, a small piece of paper with his name scrawled across the top. The handwriting was easily recognizable as May's and he leaned down to pick it up. Sitting on the floor beside the bed he opened the letter and began to read.

 _Dear Phil,_

 _As you may have guessed by now I've made my leave, but I just wanted to apologize one more time. What I did was wrong yes, but I wouldn't take it back. I watched over you because you're my friend and I was worried for you but that's not my reason for being apart of this team. I'm part of this team because you looked me in the eyes and told me you needed me, but it appears that isn't true any longer so my reason for being here is gone. I'm sorry for not doing this in person but this way is easier on me._

 _Best of wishes and apologies, May_

He set the letter down and took a breath, she had left…that's why he'd found her out in the snow. She thought he didn't need her anymore and so she'd left, but that wasn't true…he needed her more then she would ever know. That need for her was the reason he'd been so mad when she'd been working for Fury. Because he had cared for her and the thought that she hadn't returned the feeling had been heartbreaking to him. And even more so that she'd pretended to care fro him that whole time, all the smiles and moments between them had been part of some _mission._ Now, he realized that wasn't true, she really did care and his coldness towards her had driven her to this.

Turning to look at her and noticed she had managed to kick off a few of the blankets, which hopefully meant she was warming up. She shifted slightly, tossing a bit before sleepily adjusting the pillow under her head and then letting her hand fall limply beside her face. Slowly he reached out and took her hand in his, it was still icy cold and pale but was no longer shaking. He ran his thumb over her knuckles absently, his mind distant until he felt her fingers curl in his palm.

His head whipped around to look at her and found her waking slowly. He tried to pull his hand from hers but that only made her tighten her grip. Still coming to terms she blinked repeatedly until her brown eyes focused on him, "Phil?" She shot up but her free hand instantly went to the side of her head in pain.

He stood, their hands parting, " May…are you okay?"

"Yes…I just…how did you find me?" She asked, confusion etched into her features.

"I landed a half mile from the base because of the storm and found you unconscious in the snow."

"You got the plane inside the base right?"

He sighed, repressing a smile, "No, but I will."

"You know that's bad for the plane's system!" She scolded.

"I know."

"I should go get it inside before any damage is done." She started to get up but he quickly pushed her back to the bed.

"No…we still need to talk."

"No we don't." She tried to get up again but he took her arm and sat down on the bed beside her, keeping her sitting.

"Yes…we do." He said and she sighed, "First off I have to apologize."

"No you don't." She said, "You have every right to be angry."

"Angry yes, but I've been treating you like shit for the past month and no matter how mad I may have been you're part of this team and have proved that you're not only a ally but a friend as well."

"But I lied, and I told you I was there for you but didn't give you the facts when…"

"May…I know. But I also know that I probably would've done the same, you were trying to protect me from going nuts and I don't blame you for that."

"But…" She shook her head, as if she didn't want forgiveness…or rather she didn't think she deserved forgiveness.

"What?"

"But…after everything I've done?"

"After everything you've done to protect this team no matter the cost to yourself? After everything you've taught these kids and me for that matter. After going out of your comfort zone because I asked you to? Yes May, after everything you've done."

"Even after I tried to leave?"

"I don't blame you for that, after the way I've been acting no wonder. But don't ever do that again, you scared the living hell out of me."

She smiled, looking down, "Thank you Phil."

"And Melinda?" She looked up, "I _do_ need you."

If he hadn't known better he would've thought he saw a blush creep up her cheeks as she bit her lip, "That's good to know." She said softly.

He smiled, "Now, I'll go get the plane if you make some hot chocolate."

She nodded, "Good plan."

"Just don't burn down the base." He said, standing.

"You underestimate me…" She stood too, "The whole forest would go down."

He laughed, shaking his head and putting on his coat, "Oh and ask if Skye and Fitzsimmons want some."

"I will." She nodded and they split ways, both hiding smiles. It was so much better when their forces were aligned rather then opposed. And for the record May didn't burn down the base.

 **A/N wow, fluff, seriously. Lol hopefully y'all like fluff cause I seem to have a thing. Rate and review!**


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